I am going to write this blog post today … but honestly … I’m really evading all the things I’d love to write about if this weren’t the WORLD WIDE WEB – and I have no idea who all reads what I write. I don’t think too highly of myself and imagine that many people read what I have to say too often; and yet, I’ve learned enough in my lifetime to know that you have to be careful anytime you put anything down on paper … eh, I mean, the computer. Words can and will be used against you – can be misunderstood – or the tone doesn’t always read exactly how it sounds in your own brain.
But even as I share about our life this week (the main purpose of my blog, which is just a journal of my life and my family), I will admit, things are not as calm as they appear. I have been a little uneasy this week … there is a slight sick feeling in my stomach … and I find myself too often telling God that He needs to DO SOMETHING and move mountains for us soon. I am restless – despite being very busy – more busy than usual because it makes the days go by quicker … and despite having to hold it together for the kids, who are blessedly and blissfully home with me now! I think being alone or with just a 2 year old to occupy my time would be too much for me to handle! And unusual for me (I’m more stoic than emotional very often), I’m feeling the verge of tears at the weirdest of times or triggered by things that usually don’t affect me.
And so, while I can’t share everything that is on my heart as I would like if I were talking to my husband or my best friend, I will admit this week hasn’t been easy. I am trying hard to stay focused on positive, godly thinking; I do read my Bible, pray, tell God over and over how much I really do trust Him … but He isn’t fooled – He can see straight into my heart and know it isn’t really at peace. And yet, things remain silent. At least outwardly; I know He is always at work behind the scenes – and perhaps soon He will reveal His plan … but for now, in the silence, I just have to hold on to the hope that I know to be real because I have experienced it in the past. God’s goodness and lovingkindness and tender mercies and perfect will are always constant, whether I feel it or see it … or not.
And even while so many things are open-ended in our lives right now – from not knowing what is going to happen to my vehicle that is currently in the shop to my husband’s future employment to having blood work done today because of my previous dangerously high triglyceride levels. Much is so uncertain right now; I have no closure. And yet, in a few months, no doubt, all will be revealed, settled, and dealt with. I know valleys in life must come – and I know God walks beside us – or if you believe the famous Footprints poem, He even often carries us. I just don’t like it here one bit … but I refuse to doubt the God who saved my soul, who gave me His Word and His promises, and who will always be there, whether speaking or silent. I continue to trust … because I can’t do anything else.
For now, life must go on. My house must get cleaned and dinner has to be cooked. And in the midst of doing those things, I realize often that I am so very blessed – I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, I have 3 great kids, and my needs are provided for day by day. And sometimes the silence can be golden.