Sometimes…

Sometimes I wish that when my kids asked me for something crazy … like an American Girl doll  or a new gaming system or whatever whim just caught their attention that I could say “YES” instead of give the old “You’ll have to save up your money for that…” speech.  Wouldn’t it be nice – just once – to just indulge in the craziest of wishes – to be able to hop on a plane and just go wherever you want?!!?  I know, I know, I’m dreaming … but just for a moment I feel like dreaming.  Of not having to budget, cut coupons, consider and re-consider what we can truly afford, save up, wait, and live frugally, live without all those gadgets everyone else seems to have, a newer vehicle, a bigger TV screen, or clothes not off the clearance rack.  And even if I really don’t often want the material things, I wish I had money to do more good – to give more away …

Sometimes I wish I had enough money to sponsor a needy child … and when I can, I will … I want to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  In the mean time, my kids and I are going to fill a box for Samaritan’s Purse.  We are going to get things from Dollar Tree … afterall, we may not have much money right now, but we still have more than the poorest in this world.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to clean up the toys strewn across the living room again … for the 4,382,735th time.  And then I remember the infertility years … the longing for a child – just one child, one miracle.  Now I have 3 living miracles who make messes, dirty my dishes, entice me to cook for them because “I am the best cook EV-ER”, who create loads and loads of laundry, who make noise and interrupt my quiet, and who complete my life every day.

Occasionally I even wish I was just alone.  Quiet, no one expecting something or waiting for me, a bed all to myself, every pillow MINE, just watching out for me, doing whatever I feel like without considering another.  And then I remember the loneliness of being truly alone, of longing for a life companion, of the thrill of a first date, a first kiss, a marriage proposal.  My husband tells me he loves me often, wants nothing more than for me to be happy, would do anything for me, and goes on loving and caring for me unconditionally as none on earth ever have.  Alone for a few hours – and I am lonely all over again and can’t wait to get back to him, to them… my family.  MINE.

I’d like to know the mind of God … I mean REALLY know – understand completely – see the picture He sees.  I’d like to HEAR Him say it outloud that I am doing ok, I’m pleasing Him, I’m on the right track.  Sometimes I long for a vision, a dream, a visual of His will, laid out like blueprints I can follow and understand – that create the beauty that is supposed to be my life.  And yet, daily, God reassures from His Word that He will provide the wisdom when I ask, He will love me and forgive me every time I sin and repent, He loves me even though I sometimes don’t love me … It is enough.  It is all enough.  My daily bread, the step-by-step, grace for each hour.  Always, it is enough.

 

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2 Responses to Sometimes…

  1. Tanya says:

    Amen! I agree completely, but then I come back to reality and realize (as you said) how rich we are (and not just in money). I was just telling a friend in an email the same thing about hearing an audible voice from the Lord telling me exactly what He wants us to do in certain situations, etc. I am amazed again what a friend God gave me in you!

  2. Renee says:

    If you had the money you could say yes but would you. My dd wanted an iPod touch one year for her bday but it’s beyond what we choose to spend on gifts. She offered to put in the difference. She now has a more vested interest in her high end gadget

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