30 Days of Thanks – Day 19 – 2012

Wow, so sorry to the few of you who still hang with me on this blog … I still get a little sad that I lost my old blog with over 100 followers – but I realize this isn’t about “followers” (aside from not getting too many offers for reviews/give-aways any more), and it is more about just “sharing” and remembering.

Sadly, this is my lousiest, least consistent year of “30 days of Thanks” in the 4 years I have been doing this.  The first year – 2009 – we were expecting our little tag-along blessing, and I was ecstatic – I was back at home after working full-time and part-time for about 6 years – and I was loving life!

The next year – 2010 – we were so enamored in our little girl … and in our family … and in life.  It was going well – school for the kids, job for hubby, me and baby at home.

Then in 2011, it was the beginning of one of the tougher times in our lives.  We pretty much already knew my husband would have to be resigning his job soon, even though we were still in the “let’s give this one last chance” phase.  I know I’ve reitterated this story over and over – but it has been such a huge life changer … and an emotional journey … and most of all, just a spiritual struggle, not so much in trusting God but in wondering what in the world He wanted from us.

I’ve really tried – and the things I say about being thankful and about trusting Him are honest and true.  I think I’ve just hit a weary time in this 18+ month journey.  Dan’s accident was over 7 weeks ago now, and it is just tedious.  Even though he does get better every day (thank you, Lord), it is still a long road to recovery – and even to just walking with a weight-bearing foot.   The job search – which was supposed to be a pretty smooth transition – has turned into an emotional rollercoaster of applications, interviews, waiting, waiting, waiting, and more waiting.  I know in the long run it will all be for our good; it will eventually all work out – but after basically 4 months of unemployment, I’m just ready for it to be over.

Of course, God has provided – and it has been AMAZING.  We’ve come through this with so much love and friendship showered on us … so much kindness and so many things to be truly thankful for.  But honestly, I am ready to be independent again – although believe me, God has definitely shown me how dependent I am on HIM for everything.

And so, tonight I’m just tired.  Weary.  Kind of blah.  The delights in the every day are waning a little, and I’m just getting discouraged at having to do everything while Dan is recooperating.  I really try to serve him and our children with graciousness … because it isn’t their faults and it IS, afterall, my job to take care of everyone as “the mom”.  But I’m just ready to run away and hide – maybe just for a day or two!!?

Perhaps I have a touch of the pre-holiday blues.  Our Thanksgiving plans aren’t really that exciting this year.  Actually, it will be somewhat of an inconvenience this year with Dan’s injury because we won’t be as comfortably set up at his parents’ house as we are here at home.  While I know Dan’s mom will do everything in her power to make us comfortable and happy, there’s just no place like home.  And with Dan being injured and not able to walk about much, I’ve lost my getting-out partner for those nightly escapes from the in-laws that he provided when I was going a little stir-crazy at their house!

BUT as I try to do, I want to remember that good things … there are SO many.  My kids have grandparents – and that is worth a lot.  All they know are the good memories of being at their house – they don’t have to worry about packing more than just clean underwear and a toothbrush.  They can always find something to do – and while they help some, they are far more carefree than I am, worrying if MiMi is annoying grandpa or getting into something she shouldn’t while there or wondering if I shouldn’t be doing some dishes or helping in the kitchen.

We also won’t have internet access while there – and perhaps that is good!!  I don’t want to share this funk any more than I need to!!  🙂  Please don’t give up on me – I promise I am not disgruntled nor eternally depressed.  It’s just a stage … God and I will work it out.  In fact, it’s not even God; it’s just me.

That said, I’m thankful for my little blog … my outlet for writing and sharing … hopefully with people who will sympathize a little and not condemn my times of weariness, who will pray and encourage instead of cast stones and judge.  Thank you for being that, my friends who do read my blog!

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8 Responses to 30 Days of Thanks – Day 19 – 2012

  1. Mrs. D says:

    I was away from my computer for a few day. Joanna had her wisdom teeth removed and I watched Norman. He’s such a wonderful baby, always so happy. We had a good Thanksgiving with friends and LOTS of good food. We just split up cooking responsibilities and that way it’s easy on everyone. We had butchered 14 birds on Wednesday so we brought fresh duck. It came out real nice with a crispy skin. We also had turkey and ham and all the fixin’s.

    It’s always a little trying when you are at someone else’s place for a holiday. I know how you feel. There is just “no place like home… for the holidays” as the song suggests. We don’t get to travel too far because of the farm responsibilities. We aren’t able to pay someone to come and care for the poultry and it’s a stinky, thankless, job we do because we like to. It’s hard to find someone who would actually do it because they want to. That keeps us close to home, or like Saturday we’ll be going to Maine just for the day for a get together with Mr. D’s family.

    Next Thanksgiving maybe we’ll be in our own home and have everyone here 🙂

    Still praying that Dan will find work very soon.

    God Bless,

  2. melanie says:

    A friend’s testimony at church tonight was about her thankfulness for our pastor’s sermon about not letting difficulties lead you into bitterness. {as they have also had a rug pulled out from under their feet this year, so to speak} I relate this to you of this not b/c I think you are becoming bitter, but b/c it’s okay to be weary {God knows} — espec when you continue to choose NOT to be bitter about the difficult circumstances He’s allowed, but instead trust Him to lead and provide.
    Make sense??? I’m a bit physically weary 😉
    More hugs to you!
    Enjoy all those 2-legged blessings you have there — Maybe purpose to give them each an extra hug each day this weekend {and find yourself hugged in return!}

  3. You sure have had a lot to deal with, and i think your “funk” is a normal thing. i have been that way before, being weary, tired it is natural when you are carrying such burden. it is hard for some of us to realize that we have to let go of “all of it”. It is not that we don’t want to, I think it is hard for us to just do it. But you will work through it, because I see so much faith in your heart. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, while you count those blessings. You are a wonderful woman, and I do care about you and pray for you, even if I am not visiting your blog all the time.
    blessings,
    Susie

  4. Tanya says:

    BTW, I am thankful for your blog. I think when we openly share the times that are hard and a constant struggle it reminds us that we need Him so desperately and also reminds me that other people have the same feelings/struggles that I do (we need each other, too).

  5. Tanya says:

    Hang in there! Wish I could just give you a hug and let you talk it all out (or cry it all out). I know that it isn’t always easy, but then I always chide myself for not getting it under control better. Just remember that Jesus (while on earth) experienced the stress (couldn’t have been too easy to deal with imperfect siblings/disciples, critical Pharisees, etc. and sweating drops of blood must not have been a picnic), too, so cry out to Him. Doing some crying out to Him myself today (don’t worry — nothing major). Love you, Friend!

  6. Angie says:

    Believe me, I’ve been there. Just know that what you write is “normal!”

    My husband was unexpectedly laid off the same week we found out our landlord was selling our home. We were saving money to buy a house and my parents, like us, figured that it would only be a few months of unemployment, so they offered an unfinished basement in their home to live in while we waited. We had to get rid of our beloved dog (they wouldn’t allow) and that still makes us cry to this day. I had a six month old baby and two teenagers. On the day we moved I found out I was pregnant again. We began a long journey into a darkness, but the Lord was/is faithful. Mark was unemployed for 12 months. During that time we used our house savings to keep paying our bills and our Cobra. Thank goodness we had saved because my son had an unexpected surgery and I had baby # 4, with bed rest, complications and the 4th c-section. Mark was so discouraged that he was not providing. There were difficult moments, but the Lord redeemed that time and gave us gifts/experiences we wouldn’t have otherwise had. I remember thinking twice about using a fresh tissue when I was in need of one. We were very frugal and it was very hard.

    With the Lord’s help you can do this. I agree with the other commenter, you should do your best to get rest. Although even as I write that, I remember that sleep brought the only relief from the worry and when I would wake up the cloud would descend and I just wanted to run away. Since your husband can’t get out with you, maybe you can take a walk each evening. Even a 10 min walk in the crisp cool air may do you wonders and you can talk to the Lord while you’re out in the quiet.

    I’m still praying and trusting God for the restoration of work, full recovery for Dan and strength and peace for you all. The Lord provides all we need and often much of what we want. His ways are good.

  7. Dackel says:

    I would never and will never give up on you! I understand how weary you are feeling. Jack had both his knees replaced a few years back and from February until July he was laid up. I pottied every dog, did all the trash to the recycling center, shoveled the snow, and picked up dog poop. All of these things were his job. I was tired and frustrated, and yet, what could I do or say?
    Now there is the frustration of Jack’s mini strokes and that is hard. Some days I want to scream. So when I get down in prayer, I scream to God for help, for relief, for guidance. Eventually I will know what he wants for me, but sometimes, it is just plain hard.
    Sending you lots of love and many hugs!

  8. Renee says:

    Since dh is still recovering, maybe that would be a reason (after kids are in bed) to retire early yourselves?

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