Oh, Bother-a-tion!

If you’ve read my blog … or you know me in “real life” or “pretend life” via facebook and email … well, you know that STUFF bothers me.  I say it often:  “that bothers me …” or “she bothers me …” and sometimes I’ll put it a little differently:  “that hurts my heart …” and so on.  Not that I like it, but I do ruminate over things and wonder and worry too much about certain things that have happened or I fear happening or that will probably NEVER happen.  Welcome to THE CONVERSATIONS IN MY HEAD.

As a result, I’m not someone who lets go of things … I’m not someone who has much confidence in a lot of things or my own decisions sometimes.  I hate that – I hate wishy-washy … and yet I am (P.S.  sorry for the overuse of “…” in this post so far … hope that doesn’t BOTHER you!!!!).  🙂

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So, what’s my point?  My point is that I have always thought when I reached a “certain age” that I’d be confident and sure of myself and – well – smarter, wiser, more mature.  And looking back, I know I am in some things … but other things still BOTHER me, nag at my heart, and make me incredibly insecure.

Or maybe I should say they scare me.   My kids are growing up so fast … and yet, it bothers me that I have not been the mother I dreamed I’d be, nor have they always reacted the way I wanted them to, and I haven’t solved all the issues I wanted to solve by now, haven’t done all the things I’d hoped to do.  So, will they be ok??!  Will they regret that I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted – everything I thought I should?! Or do they even know or care??!

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I read a lot.  That doesn’t help.  I read all the genius things other moms do – they write family mission statements and have daily “character building lessons” and adhere to great schedules.  OR they are fun, relaxed, and full of great ideas to make life not only interesting but educational at the same time.

And I am just trying to survive each day.  I am trying to keep my house fairly clean – make sure everyone has clothes and sports uniforms when they need them – and then keep up with home school and corralling a toddler … oh, and then there’s that major life changer minor detail of moving my household to another state soon.  Once I heard a sermon on the fact that as Christians we should THRIVE and not just survive.  Sorry, sir, I’m not sure I’m thriving right now.

And you know what scares me most is that I don’t want any regrets when my kids are grown.  I don’t want them to remember me as grumpy and uptight and always “too busy”.  Or too tired or too frustrated or too undecided.

MY SOLUTIONS:

GET A GRIP – First of all, hold on tight to God’s Word.  What does He demand of me??  Well, His first and greatest New Testament commandment was to just LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD (Matthew 22:37-39) … and YES, Lord, I love you … I need you … I want to KNOW YOU.  Then I am to love those around me … my neighbor (my nearest, my next-closest).  For my children, there is NO DOUBT – I love them deeply.  I prayed for them before they were ever born and now continually as they grow, learn, make decisions, and get ready for life.  My family, my friends … those who cheer for me and help me and encourage me; get a grasp on those who BUILD ME UP … and not those who TEAR ME DOWN, even if unintentionally.

LET GO – of the lies I tell myself … or maybe they are the lies that Satan whispers in my ear.  Even good Christian women give me good advice – some things work for our family, some don’t – and they don’t have to.  Then let go of the control … that tight grip I have on my own motives, my own desires, my own strong will – and give those things into the very capable Hands of my Heavenly Father.  LET GO of expectations that haunt me – LET GO of things I fear – LET GO of all those things that cause me to doubt.

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DO THE BEST I CAN and know that it is ENOUGH … because that is all God gave me.  Enough.  Just Daily Bread – not food for tomorrow – but ENOUGH for today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself (Matthew 6:34).  I think the older I get, the more I realize how fragile life is:  my friend Melanie knows a family who lost their mother just the other day in an accident … my friend Amy lies in ICU while her 5 children and husband wait for her to recover and have waited for 5 weeks now … I hear cancer diagnoses daily and babies are lost at birth or to SIDS … There are NO guarantees in life.  None.  That’s why we need to just take it one day at a time … and most of all simply:

BE THANKFUL. 

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7 Responses to Oh, Bother-a-tion!

  1. Pingback: THRIVE! | An Ordinary Hausfrau

  2. sarasamomx5 says:

    So true. *sigh* I always seem to hang on to the negative things. But, yeah, we all need to let go in a positive way and give everything to Christ. Very encouraging post. 🙂

  3. Tanya says:

    Funny you should write about this today (or I’m reading it today), because I had all of these feelings last night as we were having a family “discussion.” ;o) It is so hard to remember that the standard is not the girl next door or the other mom that is schooling her child in such a more rigorous manner than I am. Keep my eyes on Him (I was lecturing myself again last night about this). Well, always so good to read that I am not alone. Now off to deal with a water pipe that burst while I was out. 😦 Perfect timing for your 4 solutions: getting a grip, letting go, doing the best I can, and trying to be thankful (but that one is getting harder…..so ready for a house NOW!). Love and miss you!

  4. Amy says:

    YES! Love your 4 solutions. YOU are the mother God chose for your three precious ones. And if your kids see and know that you are human…great! Maybe it will help them avoid the death spiral of trying to be perfect.
    I grew up with a Dad who will never admit he’s wrong or never admit a mistake, and a Mom who was patient, longsuffering, a sacrificing servant…a saint in my eyes (and the eyes of many who knew her).
    Long ago, I decided that I would let my kids see that I am human…I will apologize to them when I make mistakes, like over-reacting when they mess up. I will say “I’m sorry. Here’s what I should have done. Please forgive me. I’ll try to do better next time.” Rather than teach my kids to be perfect, I’d like to teach them that there is forgiveness, healing, learning, and growth that happens after we make mistakes. That our flaws open the door for grace.

  5. Connie, I hear your heart! How many times especially in my 20’s & 30’s I could have written your post. The Lord “got ahold of me” gradually over the last few years and I realize there is only ONE thing I have to do – keep my eyes on Him. Not do things for Him, just keep my eyes on Him moment by moment. That’s hard. It takes practice, but if you practice it, He will immediately help and He will grow in you a heart that desires Him so much more than you desire the world or even yourself. I remember just sitting folding laundry, overwhelmed by the to-do list and saying out loud, “What next, Lord?” I wanted to know if I should wash the sink full of dishes, finish school with that Science reading I didn’t want to do, or minister to a neighbor with brain cancer. I was immediately “impressed” to wash the dishes. I asked again after that and then read Science. I asked again after that and then then had plenty of time to minister. I didn’t waste time worrying and fretting about how I wasn’t living up to my dreams of being a great neighbor or mom. When I would spend my time WALKING in step with Him, I would do better at all of those things. When I didn’t, I felt like a failure. When you’re with Him you can’t go wrong. This my dear cyber-friend is not a sermon, just sharing how the Lord changed my focus and how I get through times that are overwhelming.

    Lately I haven’t been practicing this lesson, but I determined over the weekend that I would walk again in step with Him moment by moment this week and after day one, I feel so much more at peace. The important stuff will get done and He will direct your steps – even making you aware of when and how to minister to others, especially your own family.

    I hope that helps. Shared with love from my heart!

  6. Sandra says:

    Connie, you’re a wonderful mother, you do the best you can and your children love you for it.

    I think the worst things we can do as women, is to compare ourselves to others and how they do things in their homes. I blame technology and all these social media outlets, facebook and twitter and pinterest etc. We are constantly being shown all these “perfect” mothers, but truth be told, we don’t know what goes on behind doors. Just because they portray themselves a certain way for the world does not mean it happens that way every single day. Know what I mean?

  7. Mrs. D says:

    I’m SO with you in all this. Just last Sunday as we were taking communion in the quietness of my own thoughts I was battling with myself. Shouldn’t I be doing more, learning more, giving more? I too need to settle this in my mind and realize that God gives grace daily. I don’t have to grab from more than that. If I’m faithful to Him TODAY… like making a patchwork quilt one patch at a time… the end will be for His glory… beautiful. I know that today, but who knows, tomorrow I might be battling the same thoughts. As long as I continue to be encouraged by my sisters in Christ to think Biblically… I’ll be OK.
    Love ya,

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