If you’ve read my blog … or you know me in “real life” or “pretend life” via facebook and email … well, you know that STUFF bothers me. I say it often: “that bothers me …” or “she bothers me …” and sometimes I’ll put it a little differently: “that hurts my heart …” and so on. Not that I like it, but I do ruminate over things and wonder and worry too much about certain things that have happened or I fear happening or that will probably NEVER happen. Welcome to THE CONVERSATIONS IN MY HEAD.
As a result, I’m not someone who lets go of things … I’m not someone who has much confidence in a lot of things or my own decisions sometimes. I hate that – I hate wishy-washy … and yet I am (P.S. sorry for the overuse of “…” in this post so far … hope that doesn’t BOTHER you!!!!). 🙂
So, what’s my point? My point is that I have always thought when I reached a “certain age” that I’d be confident and sure of myself and – well – smarter, wiser, more mature. And looking back, I know I am in some things … but other things still BOTHER me, nag at my heart, and make me incredibly insecure.
Or maybe I should say they scare me. My kids are growing up so fast … and yet, it bothers me that I have not been the mother I dreamed I’d be, nor have they always reacted the way I wanted them to, and I haven’t solved all the issues I wanted to solve by now, haven’t done all the things I’d hoped to do. So, will they be ok??! Will they regret that I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted – everything I thought I should?! Or do they even know or care??!
I read a lot. That doesn’t help. I read all the genius things other moms do – they write family mission statements and have daily “character building lessons” and adhere to great schedules. OR they are fun, relaxed, and full of great ideas to make life not only interesting but educational at the same time.
And I am just trying to survive each day. I am trying to keep my house fairly clean – make sure everyone has clothes and sports uniforms when they need them – and then keep up with home school and corralling a toddler … oh, and then there’s that
major life changer minor detail of moving my household to another state soon. Once I heard a sermon on the fact that as Christians we should THRIVE and not just survive. Sorry, sir, I’m not sure I’m thriving right now.
And you know what scares me most is that I don’t want any regrets when my kids are grown. I don’t want them to remember me as grumpy and uptight and always “too busy”. Or too tired or too frustrated or too undecided.
GET A GRIP – First of all, hold on tight to God’s Word. What does He demand of me?? Well, His first and greatest New Testament commandment was to just LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD (Matthew 22:37-39) … and YES, Lord, I love you … I need you … I want to KNOW YOU. Then I am to love those around me … my neighbor (my nearest, my next-closest). For my children, there is NO DOUBT – I love them deeply. I prayed for them before they were ever born and now continually as they grow, learn, make decisions, and get ready for life. My family, my friends … those who cheer for me and help me and encourage me; get a grasp on those who BUILD ME UP … and not those who TEAR ME DOWN, even if unintentionally.
LET GO – of the lies I tell myself … or maybe they are the lies that Satan whispers in my ear. Even good Christian women give me good advice – some things work for our family, some don’t – and they don’t have to. Then let go of the control … that tight grip I have on my own motives, my own desires, my own strong will – and give those things into the very capable Hands of my Heavenly Father. LET GO of expectations that haunt me – LET GO of things I fear – LET GO of all those things that cause me to doubt.
DO THE BEST I CAN and know that it is ENOUGH … because that is all God gave me. Enough. Just Daily Bread – not food for tomorrow – but ENOUGH for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself (Matthew 6:34). I think the older I get, the more I realize how fragile life is: my friend Melanie knows a family who lost their mother just the other day in an accident … my friend Amy lies in ICU while her 5 children and husband wait for her to recover and have waited for 5 weeks now … I hear cancer diagnoses daily and babies are lost at birth or to SIDS … There are NO guarantees in life. None. That’s why we need to just take it one day at a time … and most of all simply: