The Two Sides of Me

Isn’t it funny how some days we can be feeling pretty good about ourselves … and then within an instant, something comes up that can make us feel like we are just about the worst person/mom/wife/Christian on the planet?!  Or is that just me?

Just in the last week, MiMi got a hold of scissors and cut her hair … this a few days after she ate 20-30 gummy vitamins, and I had to call poison control (apparently, if they aren’t the “extra iron” vitamins, it is pretty much ok).  And to top it off, while Daniel and I were at Walmart on a Sunday night and the big kids were supposed to be babysitting, MiMi got a stool and unlocked the deadbolt of the front door – and started wandering down our street.  Our neighbor (who I barely know!) had to bring her back to our house, where neither of the big kids were answering the door bell because each thought the other was going to do it.  😦  Yeh, epic mom fails … Or so I feel.

Spiritually, I know I haven’t been reading my Bible like I’d like to.  I’m actually excited to read the Bible right now because I finally made it to the New Testament in my “read thru the Bible” plan.  It is crazy because I want to make time for this, but I get busy and distracted pretty much immediately when I wake up!  There is SO MUCH on my plate right now – and I need God’s strength more than ever, but yet, I continue to put Him last some days.

Mentally and emotionally, I’m just kind of exhausted.  This home improvement/moving thing weighs pretty heavy on me.  Perhaps that is why I have to write about it so much on my blog (boring for anyone who still reads my blog, I’m sure!!) … I just need confirmation that we are getting somewhere, that I am making good choices.  I know my husband wishes he could be there for me aside from just one the other side of the telephone … but we’re seeing that right now, his lot in life is to work some 12 hours shifts of overtime (thankful for those extra hours!) to help fund all the repairs and keep our 2 households going.  I am the “get it done – want it done NOW” person in our marriage, while Daniel tends to take things more in stride.  I think God knows each of our talents and has us exactly where He wants us.

All the while, I am praying throughout my days, rejoicing when things DO go right, and seeking God’s guidance.  While I feel I neglect my kids and their home-school somewhat with my busy-ness, I see them still doing their work independently (most of the time) and still being over all “good kids”.  I see things getting done for our home – next week should show some fruits for my efforts as the painter comes, the handy man does some jobs, and I will be picking out carpeting and setting a day for the install.

Things will settle down – and there will be days when I am, God willing, more available for the things I want to do for my family:  cooking, spending more carefree time with them, and not feeling constantly stressed out!  Until then, it continues to be Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome around here.

But this isn’t a new phenomena for me just in the last months … My self-image rises and falls within minutes and often.  Sometimes I am brimming with confidence that GOD who has began a good work in me and saved my soul and loves me, I can ignore what the world calls success and see that my little family and my marriage are signs of our own success, just doing what we think God wants for us.  But too much exposure to television or other people or social media makes me doubt that I am doing all I can or should – wondering if we could be more successful “if only …” we’d do this or that differently or if we had MORE.  Forgetting God has given us ENOUGH.

I read these blogs, many written by young but well-meaning ladies (and by young, I mean in their 20s and 30s … young to me! ha) who have been married a few years and have young children … and they are brimming with CONFIDENCE, giving out advice (and often very good advice), some with good experience to back it.  But I want to laugh … or cry … or sigh.  I don’t have that kind of confidence – despite my life experience.  I kind of wish I did, but I am still working on figuring it all out, on figuring me out.

And yet, I see the growth.  My faith has increased so much in the last 2 years or so … my heart is changing … my knowledge of God and His character is far more personal than it has ever been!  I hate that I allow the world and others make me feel inadequate … I wish I wouldn’t listen to Satan’s lies that I’m not doing a good enough job at life, parenting, marriage.  I really hope one day I will BELIEVE that GOD sees straight to my heart and sees the motives that drive me – to love my family, to serve Him, and to do right by others.

I guess I need to post Philippians 1:6 all over my house and in my path constantly to remind me:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Every day is a chance to learn; every situation holds God’s plan; every person can teach us something, good or bad.  I do think we (I) need to be more mindful of who I listen to and who I allow to influence me.  And I know I need to continue to just TRUST God that He is in complete control; He who watches over me doesn’t get weary.

Psalm 121:3 promises that
He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.

In THIS promise, I can have MUCH CONFIDENCE!

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One Response to The Two Sides of Me

  1. Tanya says:

    I completely understand and am guilty of all. The older I get the more ashamed I am of the prideful young wife/mother that I was/still am. Just had a SS lesson about putting on the “new man” and constantly winning the battle for my mind. I, too, get easily distracted and do not read the Word like I want to, and yet that is the only thing that can help me win the battle for my mind. Hang in there. I agree and thoroughly enjoyed all of the Scripture promises you have included. Wish I could hug you in person and encourage you. Love you, Friend!

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