“No man is an island” said John Donne, the English poet (1572-1631) … I have pondered the saying in various situations, and I wonder what exactly the man was thinking. Probably that human beings do not thrive when they are isolated from others. However, I’ve been living on my own little island for the last few weeks, and I am finding it is safe here.
For one thing while I am handling all the STUFF going on here physically, emotionally and mentally I am somewhat fragile and exhausted right now. Evidenced most painfully last night at our kids’ club’s last performance of the school year at our church – and my final time to work with this program after 11 years! As my voice trembled horribly, I stood on the stage in the auditorium and gave out year-end awards, careful of my words as I didn’t want to reveal too much of my fragile heart and emotions, only to realize as we were leaving the auditorium that I had forgotten one child’s award!! There is no worse feeling in the world than to be anticipating a hard-earned, well-deserved reward and to be TOTALLY and completely overlooked and disregarded even if it was inadvertent. 😦 While the little boy cried and his mom came out to see what was wrong, I cried too. I will make it up to the little boy, but there is nothing like the hurt look on a child’s face to make you feel like a complete and total heel.
And then driving home, it all came back to me how I felt on Daniel’s last day of working at the school almost one year ago: one day you are working, the next day you just aren’t. For me, it has been 11 years and a myriad of kids who have come through our little Wednesday night club at church. It has been my “baby” – a program we introduced to the church at a time when they had nothing to offer on Wednesday night during church. And now it is over – just like that.
Changes are hard, and these last 2 years have held their fair share of them for our family. And yet, there has always been so much to be thankful for – even now – God has been so good to us. I still haven’t figured out all the reasons … but I see a brighter future. The transition part just isn’t easy. I worry particularly about my 12 year daughter. She is clingy and emotional too … and because of our home-schooling, she is with me constantly, observing my own fragile emotions. The pressure is high for me to remember to handle things the right way.
I will say one thing, God has made me very ready and willing to move to Arkansas now. A friend once told me how she had to be “willing to stay” before she was ready to go … and I think that defines my situation exactly. We have so much invested into this area, in relationships, the church here, and our home after almost 12 years, but we are now very ready to go. Thankfully, the good memories go with us!