Since my 31 Days of Quiet in October, I have run out of words and become COMPLETELY quiet on my blog! Does this mean my Quiet campaign was a success?!?!
Normally, I host 30 Days of Thanks on my blog each November … been doing so since Nov 2009 (shortly before the arrival of our bonus blessing, MiMi … was it really THAT long ago?!) …
Obviously, THAT isn’t happening this year … not that I am not thankful … I am! Daily. I just can’t commit to one more thing on my plate this month.
For the most part, I am still driving around and around in circles. Part of that has to do with 3 kids going in 3 different directions … part of that is that our Buick – after its almost 1 month stay at the service station and an investment in various attempts to fix it – is STILL NOT safe to drive. We still have to drive it occasionally, but it still dies randomly. Not sure what Daniel will decide to do next – 4 mechanics have looked at it … with various things installed and replaced but no resolution. I’d just as soon get rid of it while it still has a little bit of value – and a new alternator, new battery, and new computer parts! but this is apparent my exercise in keeping my mouth shut and trusting my husband. (not one of my strengths – the keeping my mouth shut part, I trust my husband explicitly … he’s just usually very contemplative, which translates into “SLOW” to me!!)
Then there is this little person who has been fighting a cold since Sunday … and is getting worse. Today her ear hurts, so we will be doing to the doctor later.
I have been trying to treat her at home, but she is so adamantly against anything she considers “medicine” that she works herself into such a snot-nosed fit that she ends up throwing up; forcing her into obedience only results in the same. (the smile on her face ^here is deceiving .. she really is a little sinner … thankfully, a cute one!)
We watch enough Doc McStuffins around here that hopefully she will trust the doctor more than she trusts me!?!?
This past weekend, I logged almost 500 miles on my (good) vehicle … dropping Andrew off to meet friends from Missouri on Saturday morning and picking him up on Monday. While it is no fun to drive that far to only end up right back in your own driveway, it was worth it for him to spend some time with his old friends! This week, he will be spending lots of time with his new friends – they have 3 nights of basketball games and a whole weekend of camping out with the Scouts.
Dan, meanwhile, has gotten qualified to work overtime hours doing “one-on-one” shifts with certain patients at the hospital where he works (last night he sat with a suicide watch for 7 hours, and over the weekend, he sat with a “fall risk” patient who isn’t allowed out of bed without assistance). He also picked up 2 eight-hour shifts monitoring rooms in the psych ward on Saturday and Sunday afternoon/night. He is pretty much exhausted, but thankful he can work some extra hours.
Actually, I think that is my fault…You see, about last Thursday, I was getting pretty discouraged about our finances and feeling bad that there isn’t much I can do to contribute right now (other than spend less, cook at home more, and continue to volunteer at school for the tuition compensation) … and I put up a desperate prayer for God to DO SOMETHING. That very afternoon, Dan told me about this overtime opportunity!
Meanwhile, I am trying to remember what is important and to NOT WORRY about things. Our needs are provided. It’s all good.
FOR EXAMPLE, last week, after we picked up the Buick, hoping it was fixed, it broke down again on the way home. I immediately thought: if only I were more thankful for that car, maybe it wouldn’t do this. I was pretty discouraged about the whole thing that I even told Daniel that I thought the Buick being messed up was MY FAULT! Maybe God was punishing me because I have kicked against owning that car ever since we sold my very favorite mini-van (against *my* will) to buy it! If only I had submitted graciously 4 years ago, if only I had been more grateful we had 2 cars … if only I had never said (many times and out loud in front of my children) that I hate that car … and Daniel (lovingly) laughed at me. As if everything in this world hinged on my behavior!! Sometimes things just are what they are.
But it is a pattern in my life: maybe my husband wouldn’t have had to resign a job that he loved last year if only I had not pointed out every detail of the organization that bothered me, if I had NOT discussed what I felt was painful with anyone … if only. And yet, him resigning that job was – I am certain – just a part of God’s will. He was working ON OUR BEHALF despite the loss we have gone through. I learned so much – and yes, I should have handled some things more discretely … but Daniel had to leave whether I did or said anything or not.
Then there is my kids – if only I didn’t yell so often, if only I could be a better mom, if only I were more gentle and caring, if only I was a better Christian … maybe then my children would promise to serve the God that I do!! I forget that they too have a choice – not hinged on my behavior. While I know I should model Christian behavior, I do hope that I am “real” to them in my daily walk. I make mistakes, and I can admit it. I won’t be the thing that “ruins” my kids … even though I carry the weight that I do carry responsibility for raising them. I can only do my best … and pray God honors my motives, which are altogether pure.
Phew … I really hate carrying false guilt, but I do it so often. And when did everything in this universe revolve around ME anyway…I guess it has be so integrated into me that my choices have consequences … which is valid … but in the scheme of things I can’t control, I really don’t have any sway.
So, welcome to the world of crazy that is in my head …
I am truly trying to be “anxious for nothing” … Philippians 4:6 … and in everything with prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let my requests be made known to (my very BIG, very capable) God.