It’s supposedly a Scottish proverbs that says, “Open confession is good for the soul.”
Psalm 119:26 says, “I have declared my ways, and thou heardest me: teach me thy statutes.” in the King James … and as I’ve studied upon that, I have found out that this means something of the same as the above proverb. Kind of like “I have told you what I have done … and You heard me and taught me Your law.” To that, commentator Matthew Henry adds, “While the souls of the children of this world cleave to the earth as their portion, the children of light are greatly burdened, because of the remains of carnal affections in their hearts. It is unspeakable comfort to a gracious soul, to think with what tenderness all its complaints are received by a gracious God.”
I am so thankful I have a gracious God!! I can complain and confess and converse with Him, and as a tender Father, He hears me and continues to mold and teach me. He is very, very patient … especially with me.
Occasionally, I just ice the cake, go over the top, and do something just really, really dumb. You’d think I’d learn … you’d think I’d never want to feel the way it feels to feel so badly … but I continue in my willy-nilly ways and do things without really thinking (ironically, this is a classic lecture I give my 15 year old daughter at least weekly – “Think before you act!!!!” You wonder where she got her spontaneity and inclination to do things without really regarding the consequences?!?!).
Here is my confession:
Today I spent most of my day with a crushing weight on my chest … I was almost literally sick … and I could feel my blood pressure coursing through my entire body. Yeh, I was THAT stupid. Or at least I perceived myself to be!
You see, a few days ago, we got one of those tempting offers in the mail. Innocent enough – it was from some satellite tv company (Direct TV) about how many channels you could have FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY for a really ridiculously low price. Of course, there are clauses and limitations and whatever … and normally, I just throw that stuff away. BUT this year, I wanted to figure out a way for my husband to watch his beloved St Louis Cardinals on TV. Last year, this time, before baseball season, we had this huge struggle with our cable company because they dropped Fox Sports Midwest, which is THE Cardinals channel, and exchanged it for Fox Sports Southwest (the Texas Rangers channel … I mean, SERIOUSLY …. NW Arkansas is STILL Cardinals Country!!!!!). Because we didn’t want to pay for any upgrades to our cable (and actually because of this practically canceled all TV services!!), we tried other means, but in the end, my husband ended up listening to most Cardinals games the old fashioned way: on the radio.
THIS YEAR, I wanted him to SEE his Cardinals. I mean, the man works 50+ hours a week to keep us going, he DESERVES this, right?!?!?! And this offer in the mail offered the MLB (Major League Baseball) channel as part of their super, wonderful package deal. And there were other perks … and after NOT having real TV for over a year, I just kind of wanted to do this. My husband, being the go-along-with-the-wife-to-keep-her-happy guy that he is said OK.
Little did we know what we were getting into! After talking to the customer service rep, the financial aspect of it all WAS true and good (even better internet service to boot) … but I found out today that the (FREE!!) installation of this service involved not just mounting a satellite dish to the house but also adding wires outside and drilling 2 holes in the walls and through to the outside vinyl siding!! Which I authorized …. and the tech started working … when I realized WE RENT THIS HOUSE!! It DOES NOT belong to us!!! And I’m letting someone drill holes into it!
With a big gulp, I texted my landlady (and she works during the days so wasn’t sure I should call her). I asked if she’d consider letting us wire the house for Direct TV … and she sent back some message about she didn’t get my full message and she was busy at work (she’s a nurse) and that was all she said.
Of course, by this time, the satellite dish is ON THE ROOF, and the tech guy is nail-gunning new wiring to the outside of the house!! The scenarios that went through my head for the next 5+ hours of the installation ranged from calm (“It’s really no big deal … just some wiring, a few holes in the wall, a satellite dish on the roof …”) to SHEER PANIC (What if she says NO and that she DOES NOT want any kind of satellite services done to her home!?!??!!?! How do I explain – and what do I say and HOW do I reverse the damages??!?!?) and even more sheer panic (the landlady’s parents live DOWN THE STREET, what if they drive by and see the installer’s truck in my driveway!!?!? WHAT will I say??!?!? I am SO busted!!).
I couldn’t eat …. I couldn’t even enjoy the fact that I practically had the day off work because I had to be present for the entire installation. THE LONGEST 6 hours of my life. I couldn’t enjoy the Netflix series I’m currently watching. My stomach hurt … my brain hurt! WHY WHY WHY … I was too embarrassed to tell my husband what I’d done when he called to check in.
So, the installation was finished. New TV with lots of sports programs and even faster internet service. It was a done deal. No turning back. And I had to go about my evening … but still, that dread was there – what if, what if, what if.
FINALLY, at 8:30 p.m. tonight I got the text from my landlady … and the final verdict: SHE IS OK with having Direct TV wired for the house … In fact, she’d like us to just leave everything to include the satellite dish when we move out as it will be an “asset” to renting the house out again. I have not felt this relieved in a very, very, very long time!!!!!
And my husband fell asleep tonight on the couch with a pre-season baseball game on the TV.
My reminder for the day —- and for many days ahead — is the wonderful feeling of a BURDEN LIFTED. Today could have gone so much worse, and I could have faced some embarrassing consequences. Thankfully, I didn’t have to … BUT I was reminded not just of the wonderful feeling of release of a burden but also to “think before I act.” And perhaps, the next time my daughter does something spontaneous that turns into a disaster, I will be much more tender and gracious towards her!