Believe it or not, my van taught me a life lesson this week … That is a little “out there” – but that’s how my poor, over-thinking brain works. If you read this post to the end, perhaps – and only perhaps – it will all make sense!
I am not a very decisive person to begin with. I don’t always have strong opinions … except when I do. And even then, I still get wishy-washy. Fast.
For example – home schooling? I loved it! I desperately wanted to do it – and I did! For a year. And I don’t regret it – but now that it is impossible, I am ok with that too. Now my kids marching off to school is just fine, and in fact, a relief in our current situation.
Another example – ministry. When my husband first mentioned giving up his Army career to work for a small Christian school, I was on board immediately. I imaged the wonderful things we’d do and how God would bless it and what a great thing it would be. And it was …. for a while. And I don’t regret it – but it sure didn’t turn out at all like I expected.
And on it goes: my pharmacy technician certification! Smart decision – I thought – leading to an easy job I’d like … and I did … sort of. But in the end, it was just retail work, and I didn’t want to do it any more.
Commitment issues much? Apparently so!! The only thing I am truly adamant about these days is that I just want to stay home in my pajamas …
Thankfully, one of the few things I haven’t flaked out on is my marriage or parenting. And that’s only because I think I married the most tolerant man on the planet. That’s good and that’s bad. People like me need someone to guide them with strong opinions – and my husband would rather see me be happy – if only temporarily – than try to direct the strong-willed person that I am. He just sits back and watches me try to control everything, and then he picks me up when I crash into the next wall.
And guess what!!? I’ve done it again: I quit a perfectly good job because the owner of the business changed everything on me – and I didn’t like the changes.
But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I’ve been doing medical billing for a regional hospital for a week and a day now – and I am really doubting I made the best choice. I’m thinking I took this job rashly, despite the fact that it “seemed” to be perfect timing. I took a pay cut (and didn’t realize how much until today when I got paid for 16 hours from my old job and 16 hours from my new job … there is no comparison!). Granted I have a “foot in the door” to a huge organization … but am I really a career woman who wants to work my way up to being Vice President in charge of the Revenue Cycle?! Ummmm…..no thanks! My new boss (one step above me) just spent today in the ER because she was having an elevated heart rate that has been determined to just be “stress-related”. That is NOT what I’m looking for.
SO, now what??! How do I get into things like this??!! Thankfully, God often helps get me out of my dilemmas as well. I have been contacted about a job possibility with people from my old job – people who I liked, people who understood my commitment to my family first of all, and who know I want flexible work hours, and who are Christians and have Christian values. And we may be working out something in the next few weeks. (and I won’t be making any rash decisions, believe me!).
I know that isn’t something I should be writing all over the internet – but I don’t know how else to process it. I don’t really have friends here – and my husband just shakes his head as he TRIES to talk sense into me while still trying to not make me angry by telling me the logical answers that I don’t want to hear …
IN LESS INTENSE NEWS:
We’ve had a major break-through this week with our poor, old Arkansas Chug-A-Bug van. Not sure if anyone remembers my sad tale of the day the better-working of our 2 sliding doors ate my favorite winter coat?? Well, I shut the sliding door on my coat tail, and no matter how hard my husband or I tried, we COULD NOT get the piece of cloth out of the door mechanism … and for several months, no matter how I tried to pull, twist, and cut the fabric, the door was STUCK. My kids got used to going in and out through the passenger side door, and we just pretended like we only had 1 sliding door.
This past Monday, Mimsy was messing around in the back of the van while sitting in there with Daniel, waiting on me to pick up Annie-Belle … and she pushed the sliding door button (the the broken door side), which is something I’ve done 13,243 times in an attempt to fix it, too … and door SLID OPEN, releasing the piece of my favorite coat:
Since we’d even PRAYED for our sliding door to work again, Mimsy immediately said, “God healed our van!” …. and that is where I’ll leave that. Maybe it was a long time result of all the pulling and twisting I’d done already … maybe it was just God’s favor?? But I chose to believe that God did us a favor and released that door.
It reminds me of my work dilemma now: I’m twisting and pulling and forcing things to go my way – but they are just mucking up the mechanism. One day, I’ll just release control … and suddenly, hopefully, GOD WILL OPEN THE DOOR WIDE! And I’ll know it was Him – and not me and all my futile efforts that released it.
And then I’ll call it “The Parable of the Van Door”.