As a mother/wife/adult/employee/Christian, I’m often confused about the Christian principle of “being a servant” and “being self-less” and all that (which are true concepts in the Bible) and its seeming conflict with “taking care of yourself” and doing things that make YOU happy (and isn’t the Christian life supposed to be JOYful and abundant??!) – but because of all my responsibility, isn’t taking care of ME being selfISH?!?! Of course, that doesn’t stop me from taking care of ME – but I often find I do it while feeling guilty.
Some of that has to do with the family I married into. Truly, my mother-in-law is the MOST self-LESS person I know. I also wouldn’t trade places with her in a million years! My husband says she enjoys “serving others” and doesn’t see it as a hardship or being put-upon as maybe I see it sometimes. I see it as giving up everything I’d ever want to do just to please someone else. I guess part of that is personality. She is an extrovert – and the more people to interact with for her, the better. I am polar opposite!
I have been at my new job now for two weeks … and today I called in sick! I have no “sick days” accumulated and am not really sure what that means for me pay-wise – but I will deal with that later. Since Tuesday, I really haven’t felt well; I haven’t coped well with all the demands on my schedule – things I need to be taking care during working hours that I can not take care of and have to fanagle during my 30 minute lunch period or get my son to deal with. I’ve been headachy, and this morning I woke up with what I thought was going to be a migraine. And so I made the call – I will probably go in to work in a little while (guilt, obligation, etc) … but at this moment, I am taking care of ME!
I am sitting in my bed, in my jammies at 8:30 a.m. – when I should already be sitting at my desk at work. I am drinking coffee and processing my thoughts here on my blog – like I enjoy doing … and I am trying to NOT feel guilty at all. The ibuprofen is working, and I am feeling better. I think part of that is just being here, home, quiet.
Once I get done on the computer, I plan to have a little talk with God about what in the world He wants for me. Like my previous post, I wonder if I didn’t make a big mistake in taking this new job … I just felt like it was “meant to be” – but maybe God doesn’t really use coincidences to confirm His will?? How much leeway does He really give us – how much free will? What IS His will? and is His will in the details or is His will in the fact that we are living our lives according to Bible prinicples and then we get to fill in the pieces however we want?! Again, confused.
I thought “His Will” was me taking this job. They called me for an interview exactly on my day off … everything went so quickly and smoothly with the hiring. Then again, I had a choice to make — I am the one who set these wheels in motion. I didn’t NEED TO get a new job, I was just upset that my old one had been down-sized in the way it had been. Is this MY fault? A result – yet again – of my choices? Did I push it? Should I have said “no” to their offer as soon as I knew the salary was way less than I wanted?? And yet, the “door” seemed open?! But did I force it to crack open or was it pushed open wide?
I hate second guessing myself – and I realize I have to live with my choices (oh, how I know this!!!) … I wish it were easier. But as my motto for the last few months has been: “It is what it is.” Acceptance … and yet, I fight with releasing control and believing that I am supposed to do things I don’t want to do just because “they are right” because I don’t even know IF they are the RIGHT thing to do?
Well, dear readers, if you keep coming back to this blog, perhaps you can at least be thankful you are NOT me. 🙂 EVERYTHING with me is a struggle, I swear. I keep hoping that ONE DAY things will “settle down” … but apparently, the dream job is just pie-in-the-sky. Not everyone gets to “do what they love” as the inspirational quotes will tell you.
I really am not a whiner – I just want to understand what is right and true and honorable. But I prefer not to fall apart along the way.
I remain optimistic however, that things WILL one day get better. Right now, we are in so much transition again – my job, we are looking for a new church (NOT an easy task even though I thought NW Arkansas is still in the “Bible Belt”), always the financial crunch … but thankfully, everyone is healthy, and my kids are still safely at home with me still. I just wish I could spend more time with them, especially while it is yet summer break.
But as the saying goes, “if wishes were fishes …” … which I never really understood quite well – because I am a beggar, and I’d much rather eat something besides fish.
I need a catchy closing statement to this blog post … but right now I really don’t have one. Other than, I really DO believe that God is real – and in time, it will all work out. Just not today.